Biblical submission does not mean that you have lesser value, that you no longer have a voice or contributions to make.
There are some women who believe they're being submissive while secretly using their guise to manipulate and control their husbands. This post is not for them.
I was the wife who whole-heartedly wanted to please God, and please my husband. However, in my quest to honor my husband, I found myself leaning too far towards the opposite direction and became the iconic "doormat" most people think of when they hear "submission".
Below are 7 signs with which I am all too familiar...
7 signs that your submission is not biblical:
1. You're afraid to disagree
God doesn't expect us to have the same thoughts on every topic as our husband. A lot of the time, you will probably agree. But there are times when you don't, and that's okay. Sometimes, it doesn't serve a purpose to voice your disagreement. It takes discernment to recognize when you should speak up and when you should. If you don't speak up simply out of fear, your submission is misplaced.
While our husbands are charged with a huge responsibility of leading our families, that doesn't mean their opinions are automatically correct. There are times when they need to hear our disagreements, and the reasons behind them. The submission comes into play when we disagree respectfully, and then drop it after we've said our peace. We don't continue to drive our point home or nag.
2. You're scared to share your own opinions
There were times when my former husband would ask my opinion on something, but I had learned that if I didn't express the opinion he wanted, the conversation (and the rest of the day) would nose dive. I became hesitant to express my own true opinions, and only shared what I knew he'd want to hear.
Our husbands are responsible for making a large number of decisions, and as wives, our role is to be their helper. We aren't helping them make decisions if we are withholding important information - which includes our opinions. God has given us wisdom, and promises to give us even more wisdom when we ask Him. The wisdom He gives us needs to be shared with our husbands; again, respectfully.
3. You don't ask for what you want or need
A good marriage thrives on open communication. If you find yourself not telling your husband your wants or need, you are blocking this important aspect of a marriage. I do recognize there are some husbands who make it difficult because of how they receive the information, or sometimes they refuse to receive the information. Our job is not to coddle our husbands; our job is to obey God's instructions for us as wives, and build up our home and marriage. Communication is an important way to build your marriage.
There is also the factor of expectations. If we never share our wants or needs, but we expect our husbands to automatically know what they are, we are setting them up for failure. Then when our needs aren't met or we don't get what we wanted, we blame them - but the responsibility lies with us for not expressing it in the first place.
4. You obey your husband when he asks you to sin
Yes, scripture tells wives to obey their husbands...but it finishes that with "as unto the Lord." We are to obey them as we would obey Christ, but Christ would never ask us to go against His word. If your husband asks you to sin, you are to obey Christ, not your husband.
We must be careful what we consider sin, however. There are some things that are clear cut in scripture: murder, adultery, theft for example. Other things are left to personal conviction, such as whether to drink, the types of food to eat, how much TV to watch. Our convictions could be vastly different from our husbands. We need to discuss these differences, to maintain that open communication I mentioned above, but we have to be careful not to judge, whether consciously or sub-consciously, our husbands for having different convictions than we do.
5. You're afraid to offer gentle correction when he sins
When your husband in engaged in clear-cut sin, we must be able to FIRST look inward at ourselves to ensure we are not harboring our own continued disobedience, and then to gently approach our husbands with loving admonishment in an effort to restore them to right relationship with God and with others.
If you neglect to do this in the name of submission when you actually don't do it out of fear, this is wrong.
6. You allow mistreatment of yourself or others
The greatest commandment that Jesus gives us is to love. It is not loving to continue providing a breeding ground for your husband to live in sin. If we are not setting up boundaries when our husbands mistreat us or others, we are enabling them to continue in their sin. This is not loving, nor does it fulfill our role as their helper.
7. You submit out of fear of your husband, rather than obedience to God
Scripture is clear that we are not to fear man, because "what can man do to me?" "If God is for us, who can be against us?"
Our submission should be a gift that we offer to our husbands out of obedience to God, out of fear and awe and reverence for His commands, and because we trust that His instructions bring blessings.
We should not submit solely because we are afraid of our husbands. We need to put our faith, our hearts, our lives, in God's hands and trust Him with them.
Dear sister, have you found yourself "submitting" in any of these ways?
Reach out to me so that I can pray with and for you.
Friend, I have been there before.
In my previous marriage, when I was trying so hard to be the godly, submissive wife, there was still quite a rift and I didn't know what to do about it.
Despite what I felt were my best efforts, it seemed like my husband wasn't trying at all. There would be some good days, when I would thank God and pray, asking, "Why can't all of our days be this peaceful and fun?" Then there would be days when he would come home late and drunk, or wake up in the morning already angry with me.
I was doing all I knew how to do, and I felt like it was just on him at this point. He needed to step up. He needed to make an effort. He needed to love me as Christ loved the Church, the way a godly husband is instructed to love his wife!
God revealed something to me in that season. He reminded me that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us (Romans 5:8).
Before we even knew who Jesus was, He died for us.
Before we even had the chance to love Him, He died for us.
Even now, when we do know Him and have promised to love Him, yet still reject Him through our sin and disobedience, He continues to pursue us, being faithful, gentle, and loving.
So why should we go first in our marriage?
Because, sweet sister, our goal is to be more like Jesus. Not more like our husbands.
We are not to emulate the behavior of sinners. We are to emulate the behavior of our Savior.
Jesus went first. Jesus continues to pursue.
That means we are to go first. We are to continue to pursue.
I know it sounds daunting, impossible even, at times. But we know that God equips us when He instructs us. He doesn't expect us to figure it out on our own, nor does He leave us to gather the strength and ability to make it happen. He offers us His strength to accomplish His will.
Our job is to accept His strength and use it.
One thing we can do for our marriages, that I'm sure you're already doing, is pray. We need to pray unceasingly.
Another thing we can do is find a way to show our husbands respect and kindness every day.
You might be asking yourself how exactly to do that, and I have a gift I'd like to share with you.
I've created a 31 Days of Random Acts of Kindness For Your Husband calendar that you can download and print out.
You can choose to do all of these, or pick a few, or maybe just allow them to inspire you to come up with your own kindnesses to offer your husband.
My prayer is that this will be a tangible tool for you in your marriage, to strengthen the bond between you and your husband.
You can grab your copy of the calendar HERE.
Tell me in the comments if you find it easy to "go first", or if this has been a struggle for you.
NOTE: if you are experiencing abuse in your marriage, that is an entirely different topic. We are NOT called to submit to abuse. If this is happening to you, please first ensure your safety and that of your children, and seek wise, godly counsel.
'Jesus said to the servants, “Fill the jars with water.” And they filled them up to the brim. And he said to them, “Now draw some out and take it to the master of the feast.” So they took it. ' John 2:7-8
How many times have you prayed for a miracle in your marriage?
How many years have you asked God to do a work in your husband, to fix the relationship, to turn things around to where they were when you first chose each other?
After all of those prayers, what did you do?
Did you say, "Amen" and then wait in anticipation for God to perform His miracle?
Or did you sit quietly and listen for Him to give you instructions on how you could partner with Him to make it happen?
In John's recount of Jesus' first public miracle when He turned water into wine, he notes that Jesus asked the servants to fill the jars with water. They obeyed, and then He asked them to draw some out and bring it to the host of the wedding.
Jesus could have easily filled the jars Himself through a miracle, or He could have miraculously refilled the empty wine glasses or pitchers with wine.
Yet He didn't. He asked the servants to partner with Him in carrying out this miracle.
We've all heard the story of the loaves and fishes, when Jesus multiplied the small amounts that were given. He could have created a spectacular meal for everyone there by miraculously supplying all sorts of meats, cheeses, fruits, and wine.
But He didn't. He used what was given, and then He used the disciples to distribute the food to everyone.
In almost every single miracle Jesus performed, He didn't simply snap His fingers, or wiggle His nose. He used people that were willing to accomplish what needed to be done.
What can we learn from this when we're praying for a miracle?
- We need to be open to allowing God to use us in accomplishing His miracles, not just pray and expect Him to "do His thing".
- Our hearts must be willing to obey what He asks of us - including what He's already expressed in Scripture. Are you reading His word daily, taking note of what He's instructed wives to do to build up their marriages and homes? Are you intentional to obey those instructions, even the hard ones like "obey your husband"?
- We must have eyes open to see the small miracles He's already performing. The host of the wedding didn't even notice a miracle had occurred; how many miracles are we missing?
It's possible that your miracle is waiting around the corner, and God is simply holding out His hand for you to take and partner with Him before He brings it to fruition.
What miracle are you praying for today? How can I pray for you?
Do you look at your marriage as a relationship that has transformed you?
There is a big difference between a transformational relationship and a transactional relationship.
We've all heard the phrase, "You scratch my back, I'll scratch yours," right? That obviously would be transactional.
I would encourage you to take a long, difficult look at yourself to ask if that's the way you're treating your marriage.
- Do you only do nice things for your husband when he does nice things for you?
- Will you only offer him respect and kindness if he does what you've asked or expected of him?
What about your relationship with God?
Have you ever thought, if He doesn't answer your prayers the way I want, then what's the point in following Him?
You'll only obey if He does what you want Him to do first.
Interestingly, scripture tells us that while we were still sinners, in other words, while we were NOT doing what God wanted us to do, God loved us still so much even then, that He sent Jesus to die for us.
THAT is a transformational relationship.
He asks the same of us - that we are willing to love others the way He loved us, FIRST, whether they've done anything for us or not.
This includes your husband. Whether he does what you consider to be his share of the household duties. Whether he "pulls his weight", or provides everything you think he should be providing, you are still expected to love him, honor him, and respect him.
Sometimes we feel justified in withholding respect, or affection, or kind gestures, because "he hasn't done a single thing all week," or maybe "he was so hurtful to me when he said..."
God tells us specifically to love the way He loves, and He loves DESPITE our negative behaviors.
No more "if you, then I'll" attitudes - spoken or unspoken, conscious or unconscious. Decide today, decide now, that you will consciously choose to bless your husband through your respect, kindness, and servant's heart regardless of what he has or hasn't done.
Do you feel like your marriage has been transactional or transformational? Are you willing to turn your marriage into a transformational relationship, simply by taking the transactions out of it?
Tell me in the comments, and let me know how I can pray for you!
How many times have you thought to yourself, "If I could just be more like so-and-so?"
If I'm being honest, I've thought it a multitude of times.
In my personal life, I've thought it about my friends.
In my marriage, I've thought it about women who I felt were more attractive or fun or smarter than I am.
In business, I've thought it about others who seem to have more or quicker success.
On a recent Sunday morning, I was getting ready to step onto the platform to lead our final worship song. I've struggled with nerves in the past, but instead of reminding myself that those nerves are just pride, I felt God leading me in a different direction.
He reminded me that each one of us is created "fearfully and wonderfully".
Scripture tells us in Genesis 1:27
"So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them."
We are created in His image. When we're afraid to do something exactly the way WE do it, when we want to do something the way someone else does it, or when we're scared to mess it up, we're effectively negating that facet of God's image in us.
He created us as a part of His whole. All of us together are part of Him. When we neglect to be ourselves, we're hiding that part of Who He is. When we focus on not failing, we're not trusting Him to use that failure for our good and His glory. It's through failure that He can use us to display humility and grace.
Do we want to be more like Him? Then we need to focus on being fully ourselves, and no one else.
Who do you want to be like?
