Do you look at your marriage as a relationship that has transformed you?
There is a big difference between a transformational relationship and a transactional relationship.
We've all heard the phrase, "You scratch my back, I'll scratch yours," right? That obviously would be transactional.
I would encourage you to take a long, difficult look at yourself to ask if that's the way you're treating your marriage.
- Do you only do nice things for your husband when he does nice things for you?
- Will you only offer him respect and kindness if he does what you've asked or expected of him?
What about your relationship with God?
Have you ever thought, if He doesn't answer your prayers the way I want, then what's the point in following Him?
You'll only obey if He does what you want Him to do first.
Interestingly, scripture tells us that while we were still sinners, in other words, while we were NOT doing what God wanted us to do, God loved us still so much even then, that He sent Jesus to die for us.
THAT is a transformational relationship.
He asks the same of us - that we are willing to love others the way He loved us, FIRST, whether they've done anything for us or not.
This includes your husband. Whether he does what you consider to be his share of the household duties. Whether he "pulls his weight", or provides everything you think he should be providing, you are still expected to love him, honor him, and respect him.
Sometimes we feel justified in withholding respect, or affection, or kind gestures, because "he hasn't done a single thing all week," or maybe "he was so hurtful to me when he said..."
God tells us specifically to love the way He loves, and He loves DESPITE our negative behaviors.
No more "if you, then I'll" attitudes - spoken or unspoken, conscious or unconscious. Decide today, decide now, that you will consciously choose to bless your husband through your respect, kindness, and servant's heart regardless of what he has or hasn't done.
Do you feel like your marriage has been transactional or transformational? Are you willing to turn your marriage into a transformational relationship, simply by taking the transactions out of it?
Tell me in the comments, and let me know how I can pray for you!
How many times have you thought to yourself, "If I could just be more like so-and-so?"
If I'm being honest, I've thought it a multitude of times.
In my personal life, I've thought it about my friends.
In my marriage, I've thought it about women who I felt were more attractive or fun or smarter than I am.
In business, I've thought it about others who seem to have more or quicker success.
On a recent Sunday morning, I was getting ready to step onto the platform to lead our final worship song. I've struggled with nerves in the past, but instead of reminding myself that those nerves are just pride, I felt God leading me in a different direction.
He reminded me that each one of us is created "fearfully and wonderfully".
Scripture tells us in Genesis 1:27
"So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them."
We are created in His image. When we're afraid to do something exactly the way WE do it, when we want to do something the way someone else does it, or when we're scared to mess it up, we're effectively negating that facet of God's image in us.
He created us as a part of His whole. All of us together are part of Him. When we neglect to be ourselves, we're hiding that part of Who He is. When we focus on not failing, we're not trusting Him to use that failure for our good and His glory. It's through failure that He can use us to display humility and grace.
Do we want to be more like Him? Then we need to focus on being fully ourselves, and no one else.
Who do you want to be like?
If you’ve been around the church long enough, you’re likely familiar with the passage about Jesus healing the paralyzed man whose friends lowered him in from the ceiling.
At first glance, this is simply another story about one of Jesus’ miracles.
Digging deeper, as I studied this passage with our women’s Bible study at church, God revealed to me several lessons from this story that could be applied to marriage.
If you’re not familiar with it, or even if you are, let’s read through it quickly to refresh our memories.
Mark 2: 1-12
1A few days later Jesus went back to Capernaum. And when the people heard that He was home, 2 they gathered in such large numbers that there was no more room, not even outside the door, as Jesus spoke the word to them.3 Then a paralytic was brought to Him, carried by four men. 4 Since they were unable to get to Jesus through the crowd, they uncovered the roof above Him, made an opening, and lowered the paralytic on his mat.5 When Jesus saw their faith, He said to the paralytic, “Son, your sins are forgiven.”6 But some of the scribes were sitting there and thinking in their hearts, 7 “Why does this man speak like this? He is blaspheming! Who can forgive sins but God alone?”8 At once Jesus knew in His spirit that they were thinking this way within themselves. “Why are you thinking these things in your hearts?” He asked. 9 “Which is easier: to say to a paralytic, ‘Your sins are forgiven,’ or to say, ‘Get up, pick up your mat, and walk’? 10 But so that you may know that the Son of Man has authority on earth to forgive sins...” He said to the paralytic, 11 “I tell you, get up, pick up your mat, and go home.”12 And immediately the man got up, picked up his mat, and walked out in front of them all. As a result, they were all astounded and glorified God, saying, “We have never seen anything like this!”
How on earth can this be related to marriage?
Here is what God revealed to me during my study.
1. We must eagerly seek Jesus’ wisdom and teaching.
The first thing we see in this story is that there was a crowd gathered to hear Jesus talk. Do you eagerly go to Jesus each day to listen to Him speak? Do you look forward to spending time with Him, learning from Him, getting to know more of His truth and His wisdom?
We can’t leave our Bibles closed and then claim we have no idea what God is telling us to do to heal our marriages, or to help our husbands, or to grow as wives. We must sit at His feet and listen to His words, and then we need to do what He says.
2. Be careful who your friends are.
First of all, these four men carried this paralyzed man to the roof of a house. How difficult must that have been? Not only that, but then they took the time to make an opening and lower him down to Jesus. This sounds like it must have taken a lot of time, patience, and strength. These were really good friends!
Secondly, verse 5 tells us that “When Jesus saw their faith”, He forgave the man’s sins. When He saw the faith of the FRIENDS, the man’s sins were forgiven. WOW!
Do your friends have that kind of faith? Are they willing to stand by you when you are in need? Will they sacrifice their time and comfort to be there for you?
Will your friends bring you TO Jesus through sound, biblical advice, rather than lead you AWAY from Him by encouraging you to disrespect your husband by “venting”, to focus only on your needs, or to divorce your husband?
The people we choose for our inner circle matter more than we can imagine.
3. Jesus knows our thoughts.
In verses 6-8, we see that the scribes were thinking things “in their hearts”. Jesus knew what they were thinking, and called them out on it.
If Jesus were to read your thoughts about your husband, would you be embarrassed? If He called you out on the way you think about your husband, would you feel ashamed?
Now, Jesus is not the author of shame; shame comes from the enemy and it’s meant to keep you stagnant. However, the Holy Spirit does use our conscience to guide us, and we may feel guilty or convicted about certain thoughts or behaviors in that we will take action to change and grow.
Consider whether you would be okay with Jesus holding you accountable for the thoughts you think about your husband. If not, reach out to me so we can talk through that some more. Scripture tells us that we are to “take every thought captive” and think about things that are pure, praiseworthy, and lovely. If your thoughts towards your husband don’t fall within that criteria from Philippians 4:8, then you must take them captive and intentionally turn them towards the things that do.
4. Do we notice the miracles God performs?
At the end of the passage in verse 12, we see that the man obeyed Jesus by picking up his mat and walking, while the crowd stood amazed, glorifying God and exclaiming that they’d never seen anything like that before.
Do you take the time to notice the miracles God performs in your life, in your marriage, in your husband? Miracles don’t always have to be something you’ve never seen before; the birth of a child is a miracle but that’s happened countless times.
Your husband may attend church with you every single week. Do you consider that a miracle? You should - it’s only through the miracle of the Holy Spirit that your husband has the conviction to attend church.
Does your husband go to the office and work hard each day to provide for your family. This is also a miracle.
Miracles aren’t necessarily something we can’t imagine happening; they can be everyday things that when we consider them, truly do take an act of God in order to happen.
Sometimes taking out the trash can be a miracle. 😊 We should always be intentional about keeping our eyes open to recognize and acknowledge even the tiniest of miracles that happen in our homes and in our marriages.
One thing I will work on is my friendships. In all transparency, I don’t have many (or any) in-real-life local girlfriends. I define that as someone I can meet for coffee every now and then, have playdates with our babies, go shopping, or hang out at each other’s houses. I would love to have some girlfriends that I can rely on when I need some extra support or just want to get out of the house.
Tell me, what is one thing you are going to work on?
What is God speaking to your heart about growing in order to heal your paralyzed marriage? Share with me in the comments, or send me a message. I’d love to join you in prayer!
Imagine yourself walking through the door of your home at the end of the day.
Everything is immaculate. The house has been cleaned, everything is put away where it belongs. Your diffuser is misting with your favorite blend. Dinner is just about ready, dessert has been prepared. Your husband greets you with a smile, a hug, and a kiss.
As you make your way into your bedroom, you notice the bed is made, the laundry has been washed and put away, and the bathroom is sparkling. Your bathrobe and comfy clothes are laid on the bed for you, along with a little love note from your husband.
You make your way to the kitchen to join your family and find fresh flowers on the table, and your husband pouring you a glass of your favorite beverage. You enjoy a delicious dinner and dessert, then your husband clears your space and makes sure the dishes get done and the kitchen cleaned up.
He draws you a bath with some Stress Away bath bombs, hands you a glass of wine, and gets your towel and bathrobe ready for you. During your bath, he gets the kids ready for bed and brings them in to say good night.
After your bath, he asks you to choose what to watch on TV so the two of you can snuggle on the couch for a while before bed.
At bedtime, he fills up the diffuser with your favorite sleepy blend, then spends a few minutes giving you an incredible foot rub before you both get under the covers and he turns off the lights.
How does this make you feel as you drift off to sleep? Do you feel loved, cared for, appreciated, adored?
What if he didn’t do all of these things every single day, but maybe just one or two. Would that still be pretty awesome?
Let’s turn this around and consider what things we do for our husbands when they come home from work.
- Do we have the house clean for them?
- Do we prepare dinners we know they’ll love?
- Do we add beauty to our homes in the form of flowers or delicious diffuser recipes misting when they arrive?
- Do we pour them a beverage, clear their space after dinner, and make sure everything gets cleaned up?
- Do we let them relax after dinner, choose what to watch on TV, and get everything prepared for bed?
- Do we offer to rub their feet or their shoulders?
All too often, I hear women talk about how outdated the advice is to have dinner ready for your husband, or clean the house for him, or bring him a drink, or give him a massage. It’s the “Stepford Wife” persona that our society seems to think makes women look like slaves rather than spouses.
But let me ask you…if your husband did all of those things for you, would you view him as your slave, or would you simply feel appreciated, cherished, and treasured?
Philippians 2:4 in the ESV version tells us, “Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.”
Notice it says look “not only” to your own interests. You are still expected to look to your own interests. But it can’t be ALL about you.
I don’t personally believe it’s realistic to expect to serve your husband in this manner every single night, doing all the things. You’d get burnt out and exhausted - or at least I would! 😄 It’s simply not sustainable.
What I do believe is that we can take some of those things and try to do as many of them as we can each day. Maybe one night we have an incredibly special home-cooked meal and dessert ready for him. The next night we cater to him by having his beverage ready and drawing him a bath. The night after, we give him an opportunity to relax after work by taking care of the kids, putting them to bed, and letting him take over the TV.
When we think of Christ, we think of Him as the Son of God, full of love and power and wisdom and authority. Yet, He tells us in Mark 10, “For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve...”
If the One we claim as Lord and Savior considers Himself a servant, how much more should we find honor in serving those we love, especially the one with whom we are one flesh?
What are some of the ways you welcome your husband home and serve him at the end of the day?
If you’d like to be the first to know about a new project I’m working on to help wives strengthen their marriages one day at a time, click here!
Picture this: Christmas morning, you wake up, make a cup of coffee (or tea), and everyone gathers around the tree to open up gifts.
You're SO excited, because you wrapped up the PERFECT gift for your kid. They've been begging you for this over and over again, sometimes with tears in their eyes, for MONTHS.
As the pile of presents grows smaller and smaller with each gift opened, you see that shiny, beautifully wrapped, ribbon-laden box with the tag that has your child's name on it.
They reach for it, and you hold your breath as they tear off the paper and open the lid to see what's inside.
Overwhelming joy rushes out of them as they thank you and hug you and thank you some more. You can't help but feel like Best Mom In the Universe!
The next day, you notice the box is still there, with the gift still inside. A week later, it hasn't been touched or moved.
A month later, your kid comes to you with tears, begging for this one gift again. You remind them that you've already given it to them, and their response is, "But...I keep forgetting it's there, and when I remember, the instructions just seem too difficult!"
And this amazing gift sits unused, because your child has made the choice to not take hold of it.
This, my sweet friend, is what we often do with Jesus' gift of PEACE.
In John 14:27, Jesus says, "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid."
We beg Him for it, with tears in our eyes. He hands it to us in a shiny package called the Bible, wrapped in the Holy Spirit, and we leave it to sit unused.
Does that sound familiar to you, even just a little bit?
Yes, His peace comes with instructions, but they are clearly laid out for us and simple to follow.
Not easy - sometimes it's much easier to NOT follow them. Which is probably why we make the choice to ignore them, and then His peace sits unused yet again. But friend, that is OUR choice. God isn't taking that gift back, or hiding it from us. It's sitting right where we left it; we're just making the choice to ignore it and His instructions.
If you struggle with feelings of depression, anxiety, fear, worry, helplessness, hopelessness, or anything like those, please know that Jesus has already given you His peace. It is YOURS. It cannot be taken away from you. You can choose to ignore it, or you can choose to read the instructions and learn how to use it. But the gift is YOURS and the choice is YOURS.
I would be honored to talk more about this with you and pray with you. Please feel free to reach out to me at missiannsmith@gmail.com anytime!
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