Biblical submission does not mean that you have lesser value, that you no longer have a voice or contributions to make.
There are some women who believe they're being submissive while secretly using their guise to manipulate and control their husbands. This post is not for them.
I was the wife who whole-heartedly wanted to please God, and please my husband. However, in my quest to honor my husband, I found myself leaning too far towards the opposite direction and became the iconic "doormat" most people think of when they hear "submission".
Below are 7 signs with which I am all too familiar...
7 signs that your submission is not biblical:
1. You're afraid to disagree
God doesn't expect us to have the same thoughts on every topic as our husband. A lot of the time, you will probably agree. But there are times when you don't, and that's okay. Sometimes, it doesn't serve a purpose to voice your disagreement. It takes discernment to recognize when you should speak up and when you should. If you don't speak up simply out of fear, your submission is misplaced.
While our husbands are charged with a huge responsibility of leading our families, that doesn't mean their opinions are automatically correct. There are times when they need to hear our disagreements, and the reasons behind them. The submission comes into play when we disagree respectfully, and then drop it after we've said our peace. We don't continue to drive our point home or nag.
2. You're scared to share your own opinions
There were times when my former husband would ask my opinion on something, but I had learned that if I didn't express the opinion he wanted, the conversation (and the rest of the day) would nose dive. I became hesitant to express my own true opinions, and only shared what I knew he'd want to hear.
Our husbands are responsible for making a large number of decisions, and as wives, our role is to be their helper. We aren't helping them make decisions if we are withholding important information - which includes our opinions. God has given us wisdom, and promises to give us even more wisdom when we ask Him. The wisdom He gives us needs to be shared with our husbands; again, respectfully.
3. You don't ask for what you want or need
A good marriage thrives on open communication. If you find yourself not telling your husband your wants or need, you are blocking this important aspect of a marriage. I do recognize there are some husbands who make it difficult because of how they receive the information, or sometimes they refuse to receive the information. Our job is not to coddle our husbands; our job is to obey God's instructions for us as wives, and build up our home and marriage. Communication is an important way to build your marriage.
There is also the factor of expectations. If we never share our wants or needs, but we expect our husbands to automatically know what they are, we are setting them up for failure. Then when our needs aren't met or we don't get what we wanted, we blame them - but the responsibility lies with us for not expressing it in the first place.
4. You obey your husband when he asks you to sin
Yes, scripture tells wives to obey their husbands...but it finishes that with "as unto the Lord." We are to obey them as we would obey Christ, but Christ would never ask us to go against His word. If your husband asks you to sin, you are to obey Christ, not your husband.
We must be careful what we consider sin, however. There are some things that are clear cut in scripture: murder, adultery, theft for example. Other things are left to personal conviction, such as whether to drink, the types of food to eat, how much TV to watch. Our convictions could be vastly different from our husbands. We need to discuss these differences, to maintain that open communication I mentioned above, but we have to be careful not to judge, whether consciously or sub-consciously, our husbands for having different convictions than we do.
5. You're afraid to offer gentle correction when he sins
When your husband in engaged in clear-cut sin, we must be able to FIRST look inward at ourselves to ensure we are not harboring our own continued disobedience, and then to gently approach our husbands with loving admonishment in an effort to restore them to right relationship with God and with others.
If you neglect to do this in the name of submission when you actually don't do it out of fear, this is wrong.
6. You allow mistreatment of yourself or others
The greatest commandment that Jesus gives us is to love. It is not loving to continue providing a breeding ground for your husband to live in sin. If we are not setting up boundaries when our husbands mistreat us or others, we are enabling them to continue in their sin. This is not loving, nor does it fulfill our role as their helper.
7. You submit out of fear of your husband, rather than obedience to God
Scripture is clear that we are not to fear man, because "what can man do to me?" "If God is for us, who can be against us?"
Our submission should be a gift that we offer to our husbands out of obedience to God, out of fear and awe and reverence for His commands, and because we trust that His instructions bring blessings.
We should not submit solely because we are afraid of our husbands. We need to put our faith, our hearts, our lives, in God's hands and trust Him with them.
Dear sister, have you found yourself "submitting" in any of these ways?
Reach out to me so that I can pray with and for you.
Picture this: Christmas morning, you wake up, make a cup of coffee (or tea), and everyone gathers around the tree to open up gifts.
You're SO excited, because you wrapped up the PERFECT gift for your kid. They've been begging you for this over and over again, sometimes with tears in their eyes, for MONTHS.
As the pile of presents grows smaller and smaller with each gift opened, you see that shiny, beautifully wrapped, ribbon-laden box with the tag that has your child's name on it.
They reach for it, and you hold your breath as they tear off the paper and open the lid to see what's inside.
Overwhelming joy rushes out of them as they thank you and hug you and thank you some more. You can't help but feel like Best Mom In the Universe!
The next day, you notice the box is still there, with the gift still inside. A week later, it hasn't been touched or moved.
A month later, your kid comes to you with tears, begging for this one gift again. You remind them that you've already given it to them, and their response is, "But...I keep forgetting it's there, and when I remember, the instructions just seem too difficult!"
And this amazing gift sits unused, because your child has made the choice to not take hold of it.
This, my sweet friend, is what we often do with Jesus' gift of PEACE.
In John 14:27, Jesus says, "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid."
We beg Him for it, with tears in our eyes. He hands it to us in a shiny package called the Bible, wrapped in the Holy Spirit, and we leave it to sit unused.
Does that sound familiar to you, even just a little bit?
Yes, His peace comes with instructions, but they are clearly laid out for us and simple to follow.
Not easy - sometimes it's much easier to NOT follow them. Which is probably why we make the choice to ignore them, and then His peace sits unused yet again. But friend, that is OUR choice. God isn't taking that gift back, or hiding it from us. It's sitting right where we left it; we're just making the choice to ignore it and His instructions.
If you struggle with feelings of depression, anxiety, fear, worry, helplessness, hopelessness, or anything like those, please know that Jesus has already given you His peace. It is YOURS. It cannot be taken away from you. You can choose to ignore it, or you can choose to read the instructions and learn how to use it. But the gift is YOURS and the choice is YOURS.
I would be honored to talk more about this with you and pray with you. Please feel free to reach out to me at missiannsmith@gmail.com anytime!
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Philippians 4:4-7 tells us:
4 Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice. 5 Let your reasonableness[a] be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; 6 do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. 7 And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Let's walk through this for a moment.
The first thing Paul tells us to do is REJOICE. Why do you think that is? Not only rejoice, but rejoice in the Lord, and to do so always.
As much as we'd like to think we're great multitaskers, the truth is that we can really only focus on one thing at a time. If we're busy focusing on rejoicing in the Lord, we don't have the mental capacity to pay attention to our fears, worries, phobias, and problems.
Paul goes on to say that we are to make our requests known, through prayer and with thanksgiving.
Not only are we supposed to rejoice, always, in the Lord, but when we request things of God as we're instructed, we're supposed to also do this with thanksgiving.
So first we make sure that we're rejoicing in the Lord. What does that mean? We rejoice simply in Who God is. He is the Almighty who loves us unconditionally. Who sees every terrible thing we've done, and instead of shunning us for eternity, sent His son to take our place because despite those awful things, He still wanted to keep us forever! Sometimes that's hard to comprehend - especially when we think about the people around us who have done terrible things. Sometimes we'd much rather shun them - but not God.
We can rejoice that God is:
- All powerful
- Loving
- Gracious
- Merciful
- Kind
- Just
- Wise
- Considerate
Plus a host of other wonderful and amazing things!
As we rejoice in all that God is, we are also supposed to come to Him with our requests. This doesn't mean only the prayer requests of those around us; God truly wants you to speak about what's on your own heart. Sure, He already knows - but He wants you to ask Him. It's the simple act of asking Him that creates the relationship He wants with us. There's no relationship there if we simply expect Him to just do everything He knows we want, without ever expressing ourselves to Him. Relationships involve communication.
God not only invites us to request things of Him, but He is instructing us to do so!
We are to make these requests through prayer, and supplication with thanksgiving.
What in the world does that mean?
He doesn't want us to simply lay out a Christmas list of desires. He wants us to be grateful for the things that we have. What's the point in giving us more if we don't appreciate what He's already given us?
Sometimes this can be difficult - but look at what Paul says will happen if we do this: And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
WOW! This is the type of peace that we can't even wrap our minds around. Have you ever experienced that? Where you just felt so peaceful and you simply couldn't explain it?
Friend, do you want that kind of peace to wash over your heart and flood your mind? The peace that drowns out all of your worries, makes all of your fears obsolete, and cures every phobia?
The instructions are simple: rejoice in the Lord always, make your requests known to Him through prayer and with thanksgiving. Perhaps not the easiest of instructions, but they are simple.
Here is my challenge to you today: spend a few moments writing down the attributes of God that you can rejoice over. Write down as many as you can think of - feel free to Google some if you need reminders. Put this list up where you can see it and refer to it everyday.
Then write out your requests for God - next to each request, include a reason to be thankful. Ask Him for more of His peace to reign in your heart and mind. He's promised it to you; it's okay to thank Him in advance for it as well as part of your thanksgiving.
I'd love to hear from you. What are some of your favorite attributes of God?
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We've all heard the saying, "Ignorance is bliss."
Although we don't necessarily want to be ignorant, there is something to that.
Have you noticed that the people who are considered conspiracy theorists, or those who tend to be nervous about current events, or people with short tempers, all seem to have one thing in common: they watch a LOT of news.
I'm not saying the news in and of itself is bad. I think we just need to be careful about the types of things our minds and hearts are consuming.
Studies have shown links between playing violent video games and the impact that can have on people's minds, and their intents.
There have also been links between listen to certain types of music, and watching certain types of TV shows.
Granted, I know a good number of people who watch violent TV shows and listen to disheartening music who are still positive, upbeat, happy people. But they're the exception, not the rule. They have also made the choice to BE happy, rather than leave it up to their circumstances to make that decision for them.
Scripture tells us in Philippians 4:8, "Whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable — if anything is excellent or praiseworthy — think about such things."
In 2 Corinthians 10:5, we're told, "We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ."
Another good verse to remember is, "God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline."
Those three scriptures are proof enough for me that God has given us every tool we need to CHOOSE what we think about.
What we think about, what we focus on, what we listen to and hear the most, is what shapes everything we do. It determines our beliefs, which determine our actions, which determine our entire lives.
In my Essentially Vibrant group on Facebook, I'm running a 21 Days of Encouragement series with a quote, a journal prompt, and a coordinating essential oil to use. Today's quote is by an unknown author and says,
"Remember - most of your stress comes from the way you respond, not the way life is. Adjust your attitude, and all that extra stress is gone."
What we think about determines our attitude about EVERYTHING.
What we think about comes from what we allow into our hearts and minds - from the news, to TV shows and movies, to music, to even certain people and the types of conversations we have with them.
Something to consider today: how often do you find yourself listening to something that uplifts and encourages you, rather than something negative?
Let me know what the last encouraging thing is that you watched or listened to! If you need some ideas of encouraging TV shows or things to listen to, let me know. I'm here to help!
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In our current social climate, with COVID and riots and now hurricane season approaching, it's easy for us to feel overwhelmed, stressed, exhausted, and just unmotivated. We can sometimes get anxious or depressed when we focus on the things that are troubling us.
One surefire way to turn yourself completely around is to focus outward.
When we take our thoughts away from our own problems and shortcomings, suddenly the world seems a little bit brighter.
A positive outlook is easier to cultivate when we focus on those around us. So how can we practically put this into action?
By doing the simplest of actions: Random Acts of Kindness, affectionately called RAKs.
Not only can these help us to focus on others, but we get a rush of endorphins when we do something nice for someone else, and this can also help us to feel more empowered and in control.
Let's start with RAKs in the home.
- Do someone's chore for them (even a parent doing a child's chore!)
- Leave love notes around, on their pillow, in their bathroom, at their seat in the kitchen
- Bring them a treat from the grocery store
- Make their favorite meal or dessert
- Announce a movie night and have their favorite movie (or one they've been wanting to see) all cued up and ready to go
Here are some ideas for RAKs in the office, for those who aren't working remotely or will be going back to the office eventually:
- Bring in bagels or donuts
- Leave a note of encouragement on their desk
- Bring in an extra cup of coffee from Starbucks
- Buy someone's lunch
- Wash out someone's coffee mug or lunch dish in the breakroom
Need some random ideas for when you're out and about? I have some of those for you too:
- Bake bread or cookies to bring to your neighbor (this is especially great if you don't know them or better if you do but don't like them!)
- Pay for the order behind you in the drive through
- Give someone a sincere compliment instead of just thinking about how much you admire their outfit or hair or whatever
- Leave a substantially larger tip than normal
I know you could easily do an internet search for these, but I wanted to share a few to get you started.
Here's my suggestion: make a list of 5 RAKs that you will do within the next week and as you cross each one off, write the name of the person next to it.
What other Random Acts of Kindness can you think of, or what have you done or had someone do for you that really blessed you?
